Those of you who know me, you know I rarely cry. Those of you who know me very well, know that almost every time I do actually cry, it is because I have lost control AND have no idea what to do next. The “AND” is important, because there are so many situations in life where I have absolutely no control, but I know the only thing I can do is pray. I’m okay with that. The situations that bring me to tears are the ones where I know I need to do something and have absolutely no idea what it is.
I found myself in that situation this last Thursday afternoon/evening. Part of me knows that I asked for it, (literally), but I still have to decide what’s next.
Thursday morning I was doing my devotions in Proverbs and read Proverbs 16:5, “Everyone that is proud in heart is an abomination to the LORD: though hand join in hand, he shall not be unpunished.” I began writing out a prayer to God, saying, “Please help me remember just how…this is actually a scary prayer, because I would rather humble myself than be humiliated.”
For a little while that morning, I was almost fearful to ask God to help me be a humble person, because in my mind humbled and humiliated were the same thing. They aren’t.
To be humble is to be made low, abased, rendered meek and submissive according to Websters 1828 dictionary. But as I search through Scripture there is something else I have noticed. Those who are humble always understand their need. They know where they fall short, or where they need help and are willing to admit that. Those who aren’t humble usually don’t recognize that they have any needs, or even if they do, they are not willing to ask for help.
I don’t want to be proud in heart. I want to know where I fall short, where I have needs, and be willing to ask for help. There is a difference between being humbled and being humiliated, but in my prayer I was forgetting that. To be humbled is to be shown where I have a need, but to be humiliated is to show where I have a need and be ashamed because of it.
I continued to write that day, begging God to yes, help me be ashamed of my sins, to be humiliated by my sins, but to be humbled regarding my insufficiencies. I begged God to help me pay attention to the difference. I wrote, “for me, to see my mistakes and sins brings horrible shame. But sometimes I am ashamed when I realize my lack of ability, my insufficiency. I must be careful to recognize there is a difference between sins and insufficiencies. I should feel shame because of my sins, but not because there are areas where I am insufficient.” I shouldn’t feel shame because of the ways God PURPOSELY made me to need others.
“Anyway, help me not to be proud in heart, but to know who I am and who you made me and where, of myself, I am insufficient.”
Like I said, I asked for what happened on Thursday evening.
For the last two months I have been “helping” with a Bible club that was started years ago in a town called Manchay. Each Thursday evening the pastor and I travel via several modes of public transportation and then by foot to get to a small community dining hall up on a mountain in the middle of a poverty stricken area. In the dining hall, on one side of the room the pastor teaches a craft and then a lesson from Proverbs to about 14 women. (This is a new part of the ministry, only beginning 2 months ago). On the other side of the room, I teach a Bible lesson, do a coloring page, and then Bible memory verses with the children.
Currently there are on average 20 kids that come to the Bible club each week. More than half of them are 5 and under. There is a group of about 8 who come and you can tell they crave God’s Word. The sit still, listen, and usually memorize 3-4 memory verses a week (the majority of them do not own Bibles). Many come to play with each other, for cookies at the end, or because their mom’s attend the women’s study. So they don’t care much to listen to the lesson.
This particular Thursday there were 25 kids in the group, 16 of them were 6 and under. They sat for maybe 4-5 minutes during the lesson and then started running around the room and playing. Some kids sat for a few minutes more, and then started fighting, arguing or going outside to play. Several kids found my treasure chest and started stealing the balloons and toys I had inside.
I had a group of 10 who really wanted to hear the lesson. After trying to teach for about 10 minutes and no one could hear I sat all the younger kids at my one table (I have enough table space for maybe 10 -12 kids), and started them on a very detailed coloring page, (Noah’s Ark, lots of animals to color, I figured it would take them some time) and I gathered the other kids who wanted to listen on some benches nearby to teach them the lesson. But it didn’t work. The younger kids began to throw the crayons around (which has not happened before), and a group of 6 just kept running around the room yelling.
I had 10 kids who were craving to hear the lesson. They had a choice, color or learn and they chose to learn, but they couldn’t hear me. And the women who were doing their craft, I knew that when it came time for their lesson they wouldn’t be able to hear either.
I walked over to the pastor, looked at him and said, “no puedo.” I can’t. He walked over to try to calm the kids down while all of the sudden I just started weeping and couldn’t stop. Yes, I had lost control of the class and had no clue what to do, but also there was a group of kids who sincerely wanted to learn God’s word, but because I couldn’t handle the class well enough, they were suffering. I had been told the group used to be 30 kids regularly and was only just building back up again.
After the pastor stepped in, the kids quieted some, but not much. The women didn’t study their chapter in Proverbs that day. The older kids didn’t have a chance to say any new verses. I dismissed the younger kids, gave them their cookies and then finished the lesson for the older kids…feeling like a total failure. Even hours in prayer had not “helped,” (Yes, I know it has in some respects, but I was hoping it would give me the ability to keep the younger group’s attention specifically.)
For weeks I had been hearing that the group used to be much bigger, and that most of the kids had been coming for years, but that night, after the lesson, I got the other side of the story. The group did used to be 30 kids, but there used to be 4-5 adults working with them, one teaching the older kids, one teaching the younger and then 2-3 adults for crowd control. Yes, many of the kids have been coming for years, but there are a whole lot of new 2-4 year olds (and even a 1 year old) coming because the women started their Bible study 2 months before.
I was humbled. I was reminded that I am not enough and that I need help. We continue to ask for help in church, and several women have said they will, but they haven’t shown up in the weeks since. So, I’ll continue to pray, and pray that God will send the help needed to make up for my insufficiencies for these kids.